It can go to hell and it can die! {Brownie points if you get the reference}
Today snuck up on me like nothing has snuck up on my before. Today is the first day of school. No big deal really…or so I thought. Now I just have to leave a little earlier to get to the gym because I go through, like 4 – yes 4! – school zones.
But there was something different about this year, something different about today.
Today Madelyn should have started Kindergarten at Sunnyside Elementary…that means that my angel baby is no longer a baby – she’s now my little princess.
Every year I see the ‘First day of ____ grade’ pictures on social media. They always make me cringe a little but I just hurry and scroll past them, log off of Facebook for the rest of the day, and move on with my life.
Today, I just can’t stop looking, and crying. Every single picture I inspect like a forensic detective, trying to imagine what my Madelyn would look like, what kind of backpack she would have, what she’d insist was in her lunchbox, even the shoes on her feet and how close she would let me walk behind her on the way to school {If she’s anything like her mama she would allow no less then a 30 foot radius, 1 kiss on the cheek and 1 photograph}.
I didn’t realize today was the ‘big day’ {or I subconsciously chose not to realize} until I saw a photo of a friend’s child sitting at his desk – they were born just weeks apart so whatever he does she ‘does’ too.
My day instantly went from a productive Tuesday to me curled up in the fetal position in the corner. It feels like a ton of bricks were dropped on my head {and left there} while simultaneously having my heart ripped out by a spork – all while my brain turns to mush and my bones to goo. I’ve been sitting in this chair, staring at the same computer screen, for over and hour – all because I don’t have the energy or motivation to move…but also my brain can’t form a complete thought…so there’s that.
I should take a shower, I should return phone calls, I should finish reading my book, I should get on my social media accounts, I should do some work, I should eat something, I should maybe leave the house today, I should do anything but sit here in my own thoughts. 0.0% of those items will happen today. In fact, I might even cancel my evening plans so I don’t have to function or pretend to like people until tomorrow morning.
Normally, I’m {at least kinda} prepared for days like this. I know they’re coming – I can buy my supplies of brownies, cookies, and caffeine and hunker down to ride out the 24 hour storm…you know, like you would a hurricane {…actually, it’s not that dissimilar…}.
Today = Nothing doing. And I literally Can’t. Even. I’m getting vertigo just looking at the same spot for more then 45 seconds.
On super tough days like today there’s really nothing you can do. Just accept you won’t be productive and ride out the emotional tidal wave. You have to give yourself permission to ‘feel all the feels’ sometimes. Putting on a smile and being strong works for a while…until one day you’ve found you’ve polished off the family size bag of Chewy Chip Ahoy and reamed your husband up one side and down the other because he took out the trash wrong {oh wait…that’s never happened}.
I can’t say this ‘wave’ is any less intense then past waves, but I can say they are fewer and further between. The good side is that they don’t happen all that often – the bad side is I’m completely blind sided when they do. But, progress is progress…maybe next time I won’t be knocked so completely on my @$$.
I remember, not all that long ago, when everyday was like today, at least I’m not in that place. At least 95% of the time I’m a functioning member of society…
Today I will just keep telling myself that even the worst days only have 24 hours…and actually, I’m 12 hours into this one already, I’m half way there!!
**PS – this was written on Tuesday…but I needed a couple of days to chill out, do some editing {I originally used a whole lot of four letter words}, and make sure my story had a ‘happy ending’ {because all stories do, right?}.
