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The Day my Doctor Killed Me

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…OK…so I didn’t really die – but I thought I might and I actually wanted too…

I went to the doctor today for a check up, something I haven’t done since 2011 {put down your torches, my bad, I know!} This is the doctor that I found when I first discovered I was pregnant with Madelyn, the doctor that gave me the official word of her impending death, delivered her, and then pronounced her dead {so there a little bit of history there.}

I’ve been putting off this appointment forever for…well, because, you know… But, I felt like it has been long enough so I made my appointment {with plenty of lead time to psych myself up for it.}

Obviously, things had changed a lot in the last 5+ years. Would my doctor even remember me? Would she remember Madelyn?

I follow the nurse back to the exam room and immediately feel my heart sink…but it’s OK because I GOT THIS. The questions start, ‘what medications are you on? What surgeries have you had?…all while staring at the bulletin board covered in beautiful {newly born} babies. My throat catches and I start to tear up – GET IT TOGETHER!

Time for the standard blood pressure and pulse check…and my eyes lock on the little black and white 2×4 photo at the bottom right of the bulletin board. That picture. I’d know that picture anywhere. THAT’S IT I’M DONE!

The Day My Doctor Killed Me

I melt into a sniveling ball of tears {needless to stay my blood pressure and pulse were off the charts}. “That’s {sniff} my {sniff} daughter {sniff} Madelyn.” I told the nurse – then had to direct her to find the correct picture.

“She’s beautiful”
“I know”
“She looks so small, how much did she weigh?”
“Five pounds, something”
“Is she healthy?”
“She’s dead.”

And then I was dead – there was more to the appointment {I’m pretty sure they upped my anxiety medication} but I couldn’t tell you how I got back into my car.  BUT I made it – I got through it, the next time will be easier {at least I’ll be a little more prepared}, and I did something I’ve been meaning to do for at least 5 years.

Is there something you’ve been putting off because you know it will be painful {and not just physically}? I did it, so can you. The longer you wait the more you build it up in your head. Be like Nike – Just do it.


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