**I feel like I have to preface this {as I with most of my personal entries} with: this is not a cry for help. I am not looking for attention, I do not want to kill myself so don’t put me on a watch list. I am generally a happy person but yes, sometimes I do get sad. I write this in an effort to show that grief is not linear and to hopefully encourage others to think through their grief as well (it will help to set you free}. It is not a political post, I’m not making a statement or insinuating anything, I’m not anti-feminist. I do not want you to ‘fix’ it, or tell me it will all be OK. I do not want your ‘Oh, honey’ looks, your overprotective hugs, or your pity. I want to be real – in hopes of helping others.**
As some of you know October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Because of that I have taken time to reflect on where I was in 2010 and where I am today. I’ve come a long way {baby} and still have a long way to go. There are still, and always will be, things that I grieve, sometimes on a daily basis, and I wanted to share those with you.
I Grieve…
- The death of my daughter
- That my memories of her are blurry from medication
- The emotional baggage that goes along with the circumstances of her death
- The loss of the idea of making my own ‘traditional’ family
- The ‘normal pregnancy’ experience was taken away from me
- The future with my Madelyn and her hypothetical biological siblings
- That, when you boil it all down, I can’t do the one thing that women were put on this earth to do
- That holidays, family gatherings, and traditions feel empty and somewhat unnecessary
- The stretchmarks that remind me of just how close we were to having our ‘perfect little family’
- Sleeping in is bittersweet because I should be woken up and 6 am every morning
- Having to find the ‘silver linings’
- When a friend tells me they are pregnant: I’m very happy for them…but dying a little inside.
- Having a clean house, because it means there’s no one to make it messy
- That I have to be stronger, because it didn’t kill me
- That baby showers and baptisms are off limits; me bawling the corner making a scene is not appropriate
- That I know more about human DNA, chromosomes, and the science behind the mating process {and what can go wrong} than any non-medical person should ever have to know
- The monthly reminder of just how inept I amThat my parents, family, and in-laws also grieve
- The scars that brought me so much physical pain to match my emotional pain
- The guilt
