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I can’t be the only one…

…or maybe I am…

My mind is in a constant state of information overload and I’m perpetually maximized. I thought I was a decent human being…but I’m second-guessing every action I’ve ever taken. I even feel like I’m having an out of body experience: an outsider looking in.

I’m paralyzed with responsibility and opportunity.

I’ve started writing my feelings at least a dozen times; walking that tightrope between relevant and witty…each time plummeting before I make it to the other side.

Good is not good ENOUGH in this situation. But, if I’m only good – is it still worth trying?

It HAS to be worth trying. Otherwise, nothing will change. I’ve proven to myself, time and time again in my own life, that baby steps lead to miles and miles. Why would this be any different?

In the last month I started (and not been able to finish) writing about toxic positivity, the global pandemic, and (of course) the nationwide protests.

Am I an expert on any of these topics? No.
Am I part of the problem? God, I hope not. But, I’m sure I probably am in some ways.
Am I doing all I can to right these wrongs? Unfortunately, no.
Am I single-handedly going to fix the world? Again, unfortunately, no.
Am I doing SOMETHING to right these wrongs? Yes.
Is something better than nothing? I truly believe it is.

My silence on these matters does not mean I am indifferent. It means I’m educating myself. But, education cannot continue indefinitely. Education is only as good as the application of that education.

The more I learn, the more I know I have so much still to learn. In a lot of ways, I am on the outside looking in. I have had the luxury, and the privilege, to:

  • Feel safe, secure, loved, and hopeful
  • Receive accurate information from reliable sources
  • Take the steps I need to protect my family
  • Have the ability to shelter in place for as long as necessary with no real job insecurity
  • Access needed tests, medication, and services
  • Associate with many diverse and openminded individuals willing to both learn and to teach
  • Ferociously learn from my, and our nation’s, mistakes – acknowledge mistakes were made – and move forward with better knowledge and intentions
  • Extrapolate lessons learned in one setting (ie: grief) and apply those to different situations in hopes of being able to do better faster.
  • Assume the best of intentions from everyone – including those in a position of power
  • Trust freely and completely
  • Be given the benefit of the doubt when my words and actions are inappropriate

Many of these privileges, I now realize, are just that. A privilege. I’ve realized, especially in the last weeks, that nearly everything falls on a spectrum. In many cases, there is no such thing as on/off, right/wrong, black/white, good/bad. The needle is constantly quivering and you have to decide which way to move it.

There is a quote by Maya Angelou that I just love and often recite for my grief friends. I feel it is just as applicable here:

“Do the best you can until you know better.
Then when you know better, do better.”

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