Let’s talk about those two sneaky little words that always seem to find their way into just about any grief conversation: “At least.”
We’ve all heard them (and probably said them too): “At least you had time to say goodbye…” “At least they didn’t suffer…” “At least you’re young enough to try again…”
Here’s the thing – “at least-ing” shows up in two very different ways, and surprisingly, they’re not created equal.
The Outward “At Least” (aka The Grief-Sweep): When we say “at least” to others, we’re essentially taking their pain and trying to sweep it under the world’s largest (and cr@ppiest) rug. It’s like saying, “Hey, your pain and uncomfort is making me uncomfortable, so lemme just squash it here real quick – done!”
Let’s be honest – when we do this, we’re not actually helping. We’re:
- Negating their feelings that deserve to be felt
- Disenfranchising and stigmatizing their emotions
- Guilting them for grieving
- You’re grief-shaming and victim-blaming
- Sending the message that their pain isn’t “bad enough” to warrant support
The Inward “At Least” (Your Personal Hope Hunter): PLOT TWIST – when we “at least” ourselves, it actually can serve a purpose. Finding your own silver linings isn’t about minimizing your loss – it’s about surviving 100% of your worst days. It’s like finding a tiny flashlight in a very dark room. When you think: “At least I got to tell them I love them one last time…” “At least I have these photos to remember them by…” “At least I had the chance to know them…”
This internal “at least-ing” can be:
- A way to find gratitude in the midst of pain
- Your personal path to finding hope
- A healthy coping mechanism (again, only when it comes from within)
- A bridge to your “new normal”
The critical difference is it’s all about who’s playing that “at least” card. When someone else plays it, it feels like they’re invalidating our pain. When we play it ourselves, it can be a tool for finding hope and gratitude in our own time, on our own terms.
Breaking the Habit (The Right Way) Instead of “at least-ing” others, let’s try saying:
- “This really $&*@# sucks. I’m here with you.”
- “Your feelings are valid, all of them.”
- “I’m not here to fix this. I’m here to listen.”
- “There are no words to express my sympathy.”
And when it comes to your own journey:
- Allow yourself to find those silver linings ONLY when YOU’RE ready
- Let hope come naturally, don’t force it
- Know that finding gratitude doesn’t minimize your loss
Remember: Your grief journey is uniquely yours. When others try to “at least” your pain away, you have full permission to shut that sh!t down on sight. And when you find yourself ready to see those tiny glimmers of hope? That’s okay too.
I said it before, I’ll say it again: two truths can exist in the same space. You can be utterly devastated AND still find moments of hope. You can shut down others’ “at least” statements AND find your own silver linings. Because grief isn’t about either/or – it’s about both/and.
Because here’s the thing: Grief a messy, personal journey of learning to carry the dichotomy of both pain and hope in the same heart.
What unexpected truth have you discovered in your grief journey? Maybe it’s finding strength you didn’t know you had, or discovering that some days you can laugh AND cry within the same hour [or the same sentence]. Share your experience in the comments below – because here, in this community, all grief stories matter.