…Let’s Talk Vulnerability…

It’s been a bit of a tough week…I wouldn’t go so far as to say ‘tough’ in the traditional sense, maybe just really emotional. This week was full of ‘new firsts’ that took me out of my comfort zone…like WAY out of my comfort zone. And the picture above sums it all up.

I did the unthinkable. I had my photo taken, professionally. It took a lot for me to psych myself up to do it – for lots of reasons. On top of just the girly, vain things {my makeup isn’t perfect, I look sweaty, my hair isn’t ‘done’ enough, I look fat} there was so much more…deep, deep down. So far down I didn’t even realize until, afterward, I ended up in a pile on the floor just kinda sobbing…

You see, this is the first professional picture I’ve had taken since Madelyn died. In fact, the very last picture we had taken was Kyle and I walking out the Madelyn’s funeral holding her coffin.

This is the first time {maybe ever} I’ve had my hair and makeup done. {Talk about vulnerable, allowing a basically complete stranger into your home, up your stairs, through the bedroom, and into your bathroom while you lead them – half dressed, bare-faced, and turban haired.}

This is the first time anyone, other than family, is allowed into Madelyn’s bedroom/Reflection room. {I’ve shared photos before but no one had been IN it.}

And this is really the first time anyone had “met” Madelyn. Then to share those images of Madelyn with the world… Her urn has never been photographed.

Each one of these items doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, definitely handle-able, but put them all together in a two hour time period…I think it would put any mom in the fetal position.

The only thing that kept me from screaming and running away was the fact that my photographer is a good friend – someone that knew me before Madelyn, through Madelyn’s death, and now – as I work to honor her legacy. If I hadn’t have felt so comfortable being ‘real’ {laughing inappropriately, making snarky comments, just being Crystal} I’m pretty sure I would have popped under the pressure. So a HUGE thank you to Brooke German Photography for helping me with such a uniquely difficult experience.

But, now that it’s done, I look past the chubby cheeks, the hair out of place, the wrong outfit, the stress sweat…all of the things I could nit-pick about myself to death…and just see me. I see me with my daughter for the first time in 7 years. I see the smile of a proud mama. I see love. And I see hope.

I’m glad I did them, I’m glad to have them done, and I’m excited to share Madelyn and her mission with the world.